Never Goodbye

To my Rahaf

Your voice is still here
in my mind,
in my heart.
It is still here,
filling the space:
your laughter,
your jokes,
your dreams,
even your little troubles with your friends,
which I always found endearing...
Everything is still here.
But you.

My love,
my little one,
light of my heart,
soul of my soul,
Rahaf of my world...
I miss you.
And there is nothing crueller than missing.
The fire of longing scorches my chest,
scorches my soul.

Rahaf,
they hid from me that you had gone,
gone alone,
while I remained.
If I could, my dear,
I would have begged God
to take my soul
instead of yours.

Rahaf,
when I knew,
I stayed silent.
I told no one
for I felt it,
and you know my feeling is never wrong.

My little one,
when I knew,
I swallowed the truth
until I choked.
My heart closed in,
and broke.
I broke upon the hospital bed
weeping,
weeping,
weeping,
until breath deserted me.
That night,
my mom left me to my grief.
I wept, light of my eyes,
until my eyes swelled,
until my breath was gone,
until
I slipped away from consciousness.

I could not bear your absence.
I could not accept it.
Let me tell you a secret:
I still deny it.
I will never,
ever
get used to your absence.

I did not hold you.
I did not say goodbye,
it's never goodbye.
I did not see your smiling face.
So how am I to believe?

You come to me each night in dreams,
telling me you are still here.
And I tell you
YES.
You come, and I tell them:
She is here. She never left.
But no one believes me.
You visit me with your radiant face,
your beautiful laughter,
O you, beautiful in every way.

Rahaf,
come back
or
take me with you.